LAUGH YOUR A** OFF -JOKES!!!

SARDAR'S ENCYCLOPEDIA!!

-THIS IS JUST THE FIRST INSTALLMENT--THE GREAT SARD JOKES WILL CONTINUE.for the uninitiated sardars are the inhabitants of the state of punjub in india and they are in the wolrd of jokes the indian equivalent of dumb blondes!! infact they might be more famous than blondes. another (technically wrong) synonym for sardar is punjabi- suffice is to say according to guiness book of world records the world's shortest joke is -- punjabi!!!!!

and the next shortest--two punjabis!!!!!!

and the next shortest-- two punjabis playing chess!!!!!!!

enjoy the encyclopedia-and know that by and large sardars are one of the most bighearted intelligent and successful people of india- so this is just for fun!!

Sardarji is buying a TV. "Do you have color TVs?" > "Sure." > "Give me a green one, please."

Sardarji calls Air India. "How long does it take to > fly to Amritsar?" > Just a sec," says the rep. > Thank you." says the Sardarji and hangs up.

EMPLOYMENT.. > Our sardarji was filling up an application form for> a job.. He > promptly > filled the columns titled > NAME,AGE,ADDRESS etc. > Then he came to the column "Salary Expected" : He> was > not sure as to > what > to be filled there. > After much thought he wrote : Yes

CROCODILE BOOTS.. > Sardarji proposes to a woman. She says yes if you > bring me a pair of > crocodile boots. He sets off to Africa and > disappears. Finally a > search > is being made, they find him hunting crocodiles and > watch him killing a huge one .. He walks over the> reptile, checks its legs > and angrily exclaims > "71st and *again* barefeet!"

A sardar goes into a store and sees a shiny object. > He asks the clerk, "What is that shiny object?" > The clerk replies, "That is a thermos flask." > The sardar then asks, "What does it do?" The clerk > responds, "It > keeps > hot > things hot and it keeps cold things cold." > The sardar says, "I'll take it!" > The next day, he walks into work with his new> thermos. > His sardar boss sees him and asks, > "What is that shiny object with you?" > He said, "It's a thermos flask." > The boss then says, > "What does it do?" He replies, "It keeps hot things > hot and cold > things > cold." > The boss said, "Wow, what do you have in it?" > The sardar replies, "Two cups of coffee and a coke."

A Sardar took an answering machine home and fixed it> > home somewhere > in > Bihar, but two days later disconnected it because > he was getting > complaints like > "Saala phone utha ke bolta hai ghar pe nahin hai" >

What will a Sardarji do after taking photocopies ? > He will compare it with the original for spelling> mistakes !!

What will a sardarji do if he wants an additional > white sheet of > paper ? > (he already has one and he wants one more..) > He takes a photcopy of the white paper !!!

Once there was a meeting of all the Surd freedom> fighters. They were > planning for free Punjab. > Santa Singh raised a point, "Oh..we'll get Punjab > from India but how > would > we develop it?" > That was a difficult question indeed. Suddenly Banta> > Singh replied, > "No > problem! we'll > attack USA, it would take over us and then we would > be a state of USA > and > we'll automatically > get developed." All the surds became happy on this > very simple > solution > but an old surd did > not utter a single word. Someone asked him why he > wasn't happy. The > surd > replied, "OH! THAT'S ALRIGHT BUT...WHAT WOULD HAPPEN IF WE BY CHANCE TAKE OVER USA?

QUANTAS AIRLINES


After every flight, Qantas pilots fill out a form, called a "gripe sheet,"
>which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics
>correct the problems; document their repairs on the form, and then pilots
>review the gripe sheets before the next flight. Never let it be said that
>ground crews lack a sense of humour...
>
>Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by Qantas pilots
>(marked with a P) and the solutions recorded (marked with an S) by
>maintenance engineers.
>
>By the way, Qantas is the only major airline that has never had an accident.
>.
>
>P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
>S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.
>
>P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
>S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.
>
>P: Something loose in cockpit.
>S: Something tightened in cockpit.
>
>P: Dead bugs on windshield.
>S: Live bugs on back-order.
>
>P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
>S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.
>
>P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
>S: Evidence removed.
>
>P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
>S: DME volume set to more believable level.
>
>P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
>S: That's what they're for.
>
>P: IFF inoperative.
>S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.
>
>P: Suspected crack in windshield.
>S: Suspect you're right.
>
>P: Number 3 engine missing.
>S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.
>
>P: Aircraft handles funny.
> S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.
>
>P: Target radar hums.
>S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.
>
>P: Mouse in cockpit.
>S: Cat installed.
>
>
>And the best one for last...
>
>P. Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
>S: Took hammer away from midget

A MILLION DOLLAR FAMILY

A Youngest Son: "Tell me Daddy, what is the difference between "Potential"and "Reality" ?"Dad: "I will show you"Dad turns to his wife and asks her:"Would you sleep with Robert Redford for 1 million dollars"? Wife: "Yes of course! I would never waste such an opportunity"!Then Dad asks his daughter,if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for 1 million dollars?Daughter:" Wow! Yes! he is my fantasy!" So Dad turns to his elder son and asks him:"Would you sleep with Tom Cruise for 1 million dollars"?Elder Son: "Yeah! Why not?Imagine what I could do with 1 million Dollars!I would never hesitate!"So the father turns back to his younger son saying: " You see son,"Potentially" we are sitting on 3 million dollars, but in "Reality" we areliving with 2 prostitutes and 1 gay.