MY DIARY
7th may
today was a good study day-which means i didnt waste much time playing EA sports computer games,watching reruns of friends,calling up non existant friends and hundred other things that i do on most other days.so made good progress on studies-which tempted me to go deep into the night and even onto the next morning.thankfully!!
it had started raining since midnight -the temperature wall falling , the wind was caressing my body rather than whipping it.by the time it was time for sunrise- the rain had almost stopped - but still was falling like a drunken guest who deos not want to leave. i decided to go to the terrace.the eastern sky was turning orange - yet there was heavy cloud cover all over.it was dawn -it not the bright hues u associate with a tropical summer.the su nwas as if hesitant whether it should bother to get up on such a wet,rainy morning. now peeping it head out of the billowy clouds, now covering itself up completely and trying to sleep again-it was an out of world experience-i almost stopped breathing- the mirinda coloured sky- the clouds with its myriad impossible shapes, the shy drizzle and and the wind showering loving kisses -truly i searched my brain for an appropriate word to describe my feelings-only one came to mind- one which iam usually loathe to use- heaven.
there was no apparent reason why i had started writing this diary- and none either of stopping it. but today i have a purpose- i dont trust my memory to remember the smells,the sights,the moment -so i needed a backup- however inferior in quality.
well lots have happened since i wrote last- for one, the girl i talked about has completely stopped trying ot seat in the front row- he now comes late- goes to the last row- and listens to the lectures disinterestedly- often taking out the business suppliment of the TIMES OF INDIA and checking out the stock quotes (of all things!!) .
for another- my uncle has completely recovered- looks like it was a false alarm about the biopsy report.
tomorrow i have an exam -its one of those entrances where the examiner gets instructions of -make asses out of the whole country except 30(these 30 selected will be good enough to make asses of the wohle country in their turn).30 seats - 50000 examinees. just about better than online lotteries.well its only about 7 hours away now- and i have to sleep through half of thme- nothing is more embarrassing then falling asleep at an exam .
so the philosophies will have to wait.tomorrow may be.
15th april
today is the bengali new year . i wish everybody a wonderful new year.it is also a day for moving on -leaving behind the failures ,trial ,tribulations and injustice of the old year.in the way of celebrations we cooked hearty meals - i tried out a new paneer(cottage cheese) recipe- shahi paneer indori-- will post the recipe in a separate section.tomorrow is saturday-which means its time for the two day a week course which i have enrolled in as part of my post grad entrance exam prparations.
its a helpful course- but with a 8-12 hr schedule very very tiring in this sultry weather. it is rather tragically funny seeing heads nod ,doze off and even hit the table or desk as the day wears on and the heat becomes all thew more oppressive.iam usually one of the first to doze off- but thnakfully by about noon -iam alert once again-so that- i can enjoy my luch and-and concentrate post lunch.i often try to keep a head count -which is the number of students dozing at any given time- and it is always a rather significant(and unhealthy?) 5-10 %..and i evne manage to catch snatches of dreams in those bits of sleep! can you beat that! and invariably the dreams are far removed from the claustrophobic classroom.one girl(or should i say lady doctor) in particulari notice. she reaches early - sits in the front row and during the first half is up in arma asking questions, demanding explanations,voicing doubts and generally being the heart and soul of the party. by midday ,however her energy meter diminishes,and towards the evening my peripheral vision catches her slinking away from her seat towards the empty back row-and there -executing an endless series of yawns-finally she gives up the ghost and goes to sleep with her head on the desk.even when we break for an evening tea- she does nto wake up.and when the class finally dismantles at night- she is no where to be seen.
i have since come to know she comes straight from an hectic on call on friday- and cant keep awake- even though she is reputed to be one of the mosty resilient students of the class.
i should actually feel ashamed of that i guess-i can afford the luxury of not doing those killing on calls and just sit at home all day and mug in the air conditioned seclusion of my room-and then make fun of people less financially secure.and yet there are 100,000 examinees and just 3000 seats so there is no place for sympathy and fellow feeling i guess!!! its only terribly funny that after such a cut throat entrance- our society expects us to be henry dunants!!
14th april
if i were to list all the woes and bad news that have befallen my family over this last year- this diary will remind you of "the bad news bible".so i dont - as i said in one of my previous posts- i have seen enough suffering to know better than to complain. but this current bit of impending tragedy comes on the eve of the bengali new year-when i was acutally hoping we would be able to leave behind the sadness with the dying year.but it has probably taken a last vicitm. doctors suspect my uncle who underwent a gall bladder operation today might have an underlying malignancy- wel lthe jury is stil lout actually -biopsy report comes in on sunday- but given this years form- i dare not hope.
its funny how things change when you change sides on the table. being a doc (though just for 2 years) -god knows i have seen enough people being proclaimed to be malignant during my surgery rotation.i remember'' the patient party meeting room'' quite well- situated on the ground floor -almost squeezed in as an afterthought between two wards -there were only 3 chairs for the doctors -the family had to stand.our professor was not heartless(in fact going by the usual standards he was quite an angel)-and by the way he hesitated in pronouncing the words the family usually came to know how many days the unfortunate victim has to live.the way their faces changed-but god we got used to it- and otwards the end of the rotation began to think '' hey its sad but dont just stand here crying -there are 25 other families we have to meet- and if we dont get that over by one pm- we might have to skip the lunch" and at this point while wives,sons,brothers,friends, stood numb shocked and angry- we visualized the tasty noodles and chilly chicken of the hospital canteen.
wat that does make us now? i have often wondered- when we are woken up at four am on a winter night to perform the last rites on a gasping child- and we perform all the manuevres- the cardiac massage, the last ditch injections,the volume expanders, the oxygen,the respiration in all sincerity and mustering all our skills-and then when we see the child die(as we well knew it would) and ask the nurse to wake me up in two hours to complete the formalities and inform the family-and when we do actually fall asleep quite readily -what does it make us then/ monsters? heartless money hungry monster?
or just someone who was tired with his 24 hrs of fighting death- who did his job well-and sincerely -and left it jsut at that? still in the second situation may be you can fault the guy for treating it so mechanically- not thinking it more humanely. but iam not so sure i wont go crazy that way.for god i cant still forget the 80% burn patient in our ward -i just cant remember whether it was a girl or a boy- for that was unrecognisable- and i just remember that vocie- that screeching voice shouting water water water pour osme water on me pour some water on me- and the whole ward was flooded with the umpteen buckets of water that the ward boys were pouring on him- but there was no respite-just that srceech-water water water water water water- and that smell- oh that smell of buring flesh!!
iam much better off being mechanical!! i want to sleep for god's sake
13th of april 2005
last night i had a strange thought.it was getting on to four am-and i was nodding on my books for so long that i finally decided to give and go to sleep.getting up to drink water my eyes fell on the vapour coloured road running four stories below our apartment.it was completely deserted- even the usually early rising dogs seemed to be on holiday.and i thought- there lies the key on the table-what if i pick it up-wear my jeans and tiptoe to the front door of the apartment-open it with all the cautious ness of a thief- step on to the dark corridor outside-get on the elevator(newly repaired so it does not make any tell tale grunts nowaday) get down -open the main gate of the building(i have the key to that also) and simply step out into the night- and walk away along that orange road.walk away into oblivion -not knowing whether iam walking towards something -or simply walking away from sometihng.no one knows- where i go- to the known world- to my family ,friends and aquaintances -i just cease to exist.it was just a passing thought--soon enough my well bred and experienced ego took over and told me- it was just the kind of thought you get if you stay awake till four am in the night.and i fell asleep.the day into which i awoke was the same as ever(stephen king says- its same shit different day- but i like such days-so iam not complaining-at least not yet).you get up, you wash and generally make yourself presentable to the world,if you have a job you go out and do it- if your dont- you sit at home and lambast everybody elsein the world- if your job is that of a proffesional student(term coined by my ingenious bro_i'll post al ist of interesting tihngs said by him-but soem other time) like me- you start mugging mugging mugging and whenever you get bored you lambast the assholes who take such inhuman exams.thne you eat- you sleep -you watch tv,you have sex or masterbate or simple yearn to do one of the above according to the conditions. if you consider yourself one of the cerebral types you read a highbrow book,listen to difficult songs and if you are the physical type you go to the gym(i wonder if there's enoughtime to be both physical and cerebral).thats it basically with minor customizations.but iam not complaining-iam still not complaining- heck iam so happy with it iam even maintaining a diary about it.and know why/ i know people- hundreds, thousands.millions- who crave for such an ordinary life-who crave so much for it that they die.everything they have time for is maybe lie like a vegetable on the ventilator-or just hope -just hope that at least today they get something to eat-(if not them at least their children).so- considering all that-iam just dandybut for those disturbing late night(or technically early morning thoughts).but thats not a problem- my ego knows all about them evil thoughts-and how to put me to sleep-content.
12th of april 2005
typical hot sultry indian summer day.actually quite a sad one for a sport lover such as me-india lost to pakistan in the fourth one day international inspite of putting up a mamoth 315.and may be even more tragically for a bengali- skipper saurav ganguli was handed a 6 match ban for slow over rate. i think it is a sort of poetic justice.his form has been apalling for the last many months- and in face of almost universal indignation of his carrying on inspite of his failures- he was under great pressure today. he failed again today-and his team failed- and with this punishment now we might have seen an unceremonial end to his character(particularly if india win in his absence).it is always tragic to witness the fall of so titanic an achiever,so huge an icon,so legenday a hero- for sure their falls are the worst- and most damaging-as they descend from such dizzying heights of success and achievement.well i do not know whether it is already tiem to write his professional epitaph-but reflecting on his illustrious character - i have to say - what he has done for indian cricket- not just in terms of series wins and centuries- but in terms of building up character- in terms of making us all believe we can-it terms of feeling proud of our team. and his act of pulling off his shirt of the lords balcony- will remain for me one of the most significant sporting moments in india's history.let us on this day not dwell too much on his shortcomings -for god knows they have been counted often enough(and may be too often)-let us not denounce his current lack of form as lack of quality -let us not insult his aggresiveness and fighting spirit by calling it arrogance-let us instead hope- that he comes back to surprise us all-for he -true to his name-has been a king- and deserves a royal farewell-not this lowly shove.humor me otday if i get too emotional.let his great freind dravid have the last say-''on the off side first there's god,then there's saurav"'come back bengal's favourite sporting deity-and rule once again!!
click for a saurav pic.--
http://www.santabanta.com/wallpapers/rating.asp?catid=502016
today was a good study day-which means i didnt waste much time playing EA sports computer games,watching reruns of friends,calling up non existant friends and hundred other things that i do on most other days.so made good progress on studies-which tempted me to go deep into the night and even onto the next morning.thankfully!!
it had started raining since midnight -the temperature wall falling , the wind was caressing my body rather than whipping it.by the time it was time for sunrise- the rain had almost stopped - but still was falling like a drunken guest who deos not want to leave. i decided to go to the terrace.the eastern sky was turning orange - yet there was heavy cloud cover all over.it was dawn -it not the bright hues u associate with a tropical summer.the su nwas as if hesitant whether it should bother to get up on such a wet,rainy morning. now peeping it head out of the billowy clouds, now covering itself up completely and trying to sleep again-it was an out of world experience-i almost stopped breathing- the mirinda coloured sky- the clouds with its myriad impossible shapes, the shy drizzle and and the wind showering loving kisses -truly i searched my brain for an appropriate word to describe my feelings-only one came to mind- one which iam usually loathe to use- heaven.
there was no apparent reason why i had started writing this diary- and none either of stopping it. but today i have a purpose- i dont trust my memory to remember the smells,the sights,the moment -so i needed a backup- however inferior in quality.
well lots have happened since i wrote last- for one, the girl i talked about has completely stopped trying ot seat in the front row- he now comes late- goes to the last row- and listens to the lectures disinterestedly- often taking out the business suppliment of the TIMES OF INDIA and checking out the stock quotes (of all things!!) .
for another- my uncle has completely recovered- looks like it was a false alarm about the biopsy report.
tomorrow i have an exam -its one of those entrances where the examiner gets instructions of -make asses out of the whole country except 30(these 30 selected will be good enough to make asses of the wohle country in their turn).30 seats - 50000 examinees. just about better than online lotteries.well its only about 7 hours away now- and i have to sleep through half of thme- nothing is more embarrassing then falling asleep at an exam .
so the philosophies will have to wait.tomorrow may be.
15th april
today is the bengali new year . i wish everybody a wonderful new year.it is also a day for moving on -leaving behind the failures ,trial ,tribulations and injustice of the old year.in the way of celebrations we cooked hearty meals - i tried out a new paneer(cottage cheese) recipe- shahi paneer indori-- will post the recipe in a separate section.tomorrow is saturday-which means its time for the two day a week course which i have enrolled in as part of my post grad entrance exam prparations.
its a helpful course- but with a 8-12 hr schedule very very tiring in this sultry weather. it is rather tragically funny seeing heads nod ,doze off and even hit the table or desk as the day wears on and the heat becomes all thew more oppressive.iam usually one of the first to doze off- but thnakfully by about noon -iam alert once again-so that- i can enjoy my luch and-and concentrate post lunch.i often try to keep a head count -which is the number of students dozing at any given time- and it is always a rather significant(and unhealthy?) 5-10 %..and i evne manage to catch snatches of dreams in those bits of sleep! can you beat that! and invariably the dreams are far removed from the claustrophobic classroom.one girl(or should i say lady doctor) in particulari notice. she reaches early - sits in the front row and during the first half is up in arma asking questions, demanding explanations,voicing doubts and generally being the heart and soul of the party. by midday ,however her energy meter diminishes,and towards the evening my peripheral vision catches her slinking away from her seat towards the empty back row-and there -executing an endless series of yawns-finally she gives up the ghost and goes to sleep with her head on the desk.even when we break for an evening tea- she does nto wake up.and when the class finally dismantles at night- she is no where to be seen.
i have since come to know she comes straight from an hectic on call on friday- and cant keep awake- even though she is reputed to be one of the mosty resilient students of the class.
i should actually feel ashamed of that i guess-i can afford the luxury of not doing those killing on calls and just sit at home all day and mug in the air conditioned seclusion of my room-and then make fun of people less financially secure.and yet there are 100,000 examinees and just 3000 seats so there is no place for sympathy and fellow feeling i guess!!! its only terribly funny that after such a cut throat entrance- our society expects us to be henry dunants!!
14th april
if i were to list all the woes and bad news that have befallen my family over this last year- this diary will remind you of "the bad news bible".so i dont - as i said in one of my previous posts- i have seen enough suffering to know better than to complain. but this current bit of impending tragedy comes on the eve of the bengali new year-when i was acutally hoping we would be able to leave behind the sadness with the dying year.but it has probably taken a last vicitm. doctors suspect my uncle who underwent a gall bladder operation today might have an underlying malignancy- wel lthe jury is stil lout actually -biopsy report comes in on sunday- but given this years form- i dare not hope.
its funny how things change when you change sides on the table. being a doc (though just for 2 years) -god knows i have seen enough people being proclaimed to be malignant during my surgery rotation.i remember'' the patient party meeting room'' quite well- situated on the ground floor -almost squeezed in as an afterthought between two wards -there were only 3 chairs for the doctors -the family had to stand.our professor was not heartless(in fact going by the usual standards he was quite an angel)-and by the way he hesitated in pronouncing the words the family usually came to know how many days the unfortunate victim has to live.the way their faces changed-but god we got used to it- and otwards the end of the rotation began to think '' hey its sad but dont just stand here crying -there are 25 other families we have to meet- and if we dont get that over by one pm- we might have to skip the lunch" and at this point while wives,sons,brothers,friends, stood numb shocked and angry- we visualized the tasty noodles and chilly chicken of the hospital canteen.
wat that does make us now? i have often wondered- when we are woken up at four am on a winter night to perform the last rites on a gasping child- and we perform all the manuevres- the cardiac massage, the last ditch injections,the volume expanders, the oxygen,the respiration in all sincerity and mustering all our skills-and then when we see the child die(as we well knew it would) and ask the nurse to wake me up in two hours to complete the formalities and inform the family-and when we do actually fall asleep quite readily -what does it make us then/ monsters? heartless money hungry monster?
or just someone who was tired with his 24 hrs of fighting death- who did his job well-and sincerely -and left it jsut at that? still in the second situation may be you can fault the guy for treating it so mechanically- not thinking it more humanely. but iam not so sure i wont go crazy that way.for god i cant still forget the 80% burn patient in our ward -i just cant remember whether it was a girl or a boy- for that was unrecognisable- and i just remember that vocie- that screeching voice shouting water water water pour osme water on me pour some water on me- and the whole ward was flooded with the umpteen buckets of water that the ward boys were pouring on him- but there was no respite-just that srceech-water water water water water water- and that smell- oh that smell of buring flesh!!
iam much better off being mechanical!! i want to sleep for god's sake
13th of april 2005
last night i had a strange thought.it was getting on to four am-and i was nodding on my books for so long that i finally decided to give and go to sleep.getting up to drink water my eyes fell on the vapour coloured road running four stories below our apartment.it was completely deserted- even the usually early rising dogs seemed to be on holiday.and i thought- there lies the key on the table-what if i pick it up-wear my jeans and tiptoe to the front door of the apartment-open it with all the cautious ness of a thief- step on to the dark corridor outside-get on the elevator(newly repaired so it does not make any tell tale grunts nowaday) get down -open the main gate of the building(i have the key to that also) and simply step out into the night- and walk away along that orange road.walk away into oblivion -not knowing whether iam walking towards something -or simply walking away from sometihng.no one knows- where i go- to the known world- to my family ,friends and aquaintances -i just cease to exist.it was just a passing thought--soon enough my well bred and experienced ego took over and told me- it was just the kind of thought you get if you stay awake till four am in the night.and i fell asleep.the day into which i awoke was the same as ever(stephen king says- its same shit different day- but i like such days-so iam not complaining-at least not yet).you get up, you wash and generally make yourself presentable to the world,if you have a job you go out and do it- if your dont- you sit at home and lambast everybody elsein the world- if your job is that of a proffesional student(term coined by my ingenious bro_i'll post al ist of interesting tihngs said by him-but soem other time) like me- you start mugging mugging mugging and whenever you get bored you lambast the assholes who take such inhuman exams.thne you eat- you sleep -you watch tv,you have sex or masterbate or simple yearn to do one of the above according to the conditions. if you consider yourself one of the cerebral types you read a highbrow book,listen to difficult songs and if you are the physical type you go to the gym(i wonder if there's enoughtime to be both physical and cerebral).thats it basically with minor customizations.but iam not complaining-iam still not complaining- heck iam so happy with it iam even maintaining a diary about it.and know why/ i know people- hundreds, thousands.millions- who crave for such an ordinary life-who crave so much for it that they die.everything they have time for is maybe lie like a vegetable on the ventilator-or just hope -just hope that at least today they get something to eat-(if not them at least their children).so- considering all that-iam just dandybut for those disturbing late night(or technically early morning thoughts).but thats not a problem- my ego knows all about them evil thoughts-and how to put me to sleep-content.
12th of april 2005
typical hot sultry indian summer day.actually quite a sad one for a sport lover such as me-india lost to pakistan in the fourth one day international inspite of putting up a mamoth 315.and may be even more tragically for a bengali- skipper saurav ganguli was handed a 6 match ban for slow over rate. i think it is a sort of poetic justice.his form has been apalling for the last many months- and in face of almost universal indignation of his carrying on inspite of his failures- he was under great pressure today. he failed again today-and his team failed- and with this punishment now we might have seen an unceremonial end to his character(particularly if india win in his absence).it is always tragic to witness the fall of so titanic an achiever,so huge an icon,so legenday a hero- for sure their falls are the worst- and most damaging-as they descend from such dizzying heights of success and achievement.well i do not know whether it is already tiem to write his professional epitaph-but reflecting on his illustrious character - i have to say - what he has done for indian cricket- not just in terms of series wins and centuries- but in terms of building up character- in terms of making us all believe we can-it terms of feeling proud of our team. and his act of pulling off his shirt of the lords balcony- will remain for me one of the most significant sporting moments in india's history.let us on this day not dwell too much on his shortcomings -for god knows they have been counted often enough(and may be too often)-let us not denounce his current lack of form as lack of quality -let us not insult his aggresiveness and fighting spirit by calling it arrogance-let us instead hope- that he comes back to surprise us all-for he -true to his name-has been a king- and deserves a royal farewell-not this lowly shove.humor me otday if i get too emotional.let his great freind dravid have the last say-''on the off side first there's god,then there's saurav"'come back bengal's favourite sporting deity-and rule once again!!
click for a saurav pic.--
http://www.santabanta.com/wallpapers/rating.asp?catid=502016
posted by partha at 9:56 AM
1 Comments:
The whipped creamy pies and decadentcakes made her think of having a food orgy on his leangod like body. It was natures way, and science hadproved over and over how they could duplicate the form, but rarely thefunction.
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The whipped creamy pies and decadentcakes made her think of having a food orgy on his leangod like body. It was natures way, and science hadproved over and over how they could duplicate the form, but rarely thefunction.
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