random thoughts of a wandering lunatic

One night in the er room

2006-07-14T23:47:00.000-07:00

One night in the ER room

In the ER room –dates do not matter. Things happen so fast that time is always a blur –but things seldom change. Only faces do- and masks. The gurneys, the examination beds, the blackened tube light above, the short supply of drugs, the abuses of relatives of patients, the good natured flirting of the nurse, the shrieks of people with broken, crushed , mashed potato arms legs and organs, or the silence of the dying –it all repeats itself like some ghostly murder scene in a haunted house.

Once you crossed the fluorescent board which read –‘’emergency section’’ In red lettering –you had to let the auto pilot take over. Reflexes, routines, habits, protocols –those were your friends and defense here. You sit in the chair that someone like you has vacated minutes before- take over the charge from him/her, sign on the register, the vacant bed list and the stock drugs list –and sit back and enjoy the ride.

But sometimes things happen which knock at the door of your indifference so hard that it breaks down –and you sit up shivering, staring and shocked –all your covers of routine snatched from you.

Usually there are signs-like the night going exceedingly quite- u become uneasy, you know it’s the lull before the storm. Or sometimes it’s just”luck" or a "team” thing –when you and senior cardio resident rongita sinha with her hourglass figure are on call together –things happen.

Like that day in December –close to my birthday. They rolled him in just after one in the morning. Rongita looked up from reading an ECG –‘’oh no, not him again.’’ I was curious –memorizing patient’s faces was not her forte.

To my unuttered question –she said-‘’triple vessel disease-angina every other week. Always signs out against medical advice.’’

He was alert, interested in the proceedings around him –even winked at the four yr old boy next to him with a pea grain blocking his left ear.

As I entered –he beamed at me- ‘’new here?”
Me-no, we just never met I guess. So what’s the problem?
He-oh I was at this party, and then I started having this chest pain –same as before. I was breathless – guess I had another attack-but I’m feeling better already.
He beamed again.
He certainly was dressed for a party –his middle aged well toned body was tastefully fitted in a grey suit and while shirt .black shoes, flashy watch and mobile.
He looked out of place in this dingy government hospital. What’s he doing here- I asked myself.

I examined him-checked his chest, took his pressure and pulse. The former was low- the latter fast. I ordered an ECG.

He was sweating –but he assured me-‘’ oh I know the signs. I have had 3 heart attacks, four surgeries and seven catheterizations- this one was just a false alarm I know that.’’
I walk away without replying.
As I wait for the ECG strip to slowly roll out of the machine – I check his records on our newly installed computer data base. He has not been lying about his heart- he did have all those interventions. Plus an episode of asystole-when his heart stopped for three minutes. Shock and drugs had brought him back.

When I go back to him –he is already buttoning up his shirt- his cologne hits me. I ask about his asystole –he says yes I was dead for 3 mins but your hospital saved my life.

Guess that’s why he came back here.

The ECG is unmistakable – I order I/v cannulation and write out directions to the nurse. He talks to people, tells jokes to kids and flirts with the nurse. He seems ready to leave.

I step in-‘you can’t go, you might have another attack. A more serious one. You need to be monitored, for a day at least.’

He says-‘I will have one for sure, but not for many days yet- they never come together. Trust me.’’
I call rongita –she’s the cardio resident- she has to take the call.

His face lights up as she enters –be my nurse –and I will stay forever. She laughs-nervous, blushing. She reasons with him, pleads even –but it’s unconvincing – I can see he’s not gonna listen.

I lose my temper- shout at him. Tell him to stop putting on a show an act as if he’s in a movie. People are dying around here- if he didn’t notice and throw the DORB (discharge on risk bond) form at his face.

Everyone is surprised at my sudden burst –a child gets scared, starts to cry softly. My guy still smiles- but he’s a bit put off. He signs the form –an ornate, flowery, flourishing signature. Then starts to walk off- stops, and turns back. ‘Son you are young. You are a good doctor-a caring doctor. You just don’t do your job. You love it. Keep it that way.’’

I’m still furious- I point to the door
He shrugs –leaves-walking briskly.
Rongita pats me on the back. ‘He’s a nice guy-just a bit flamboyant. Once he had told me –when I die I want to be buried in the hills, in the sleepy town called Kurseong, I have a small cottage there. I want to be buried in its garden. Hey –if u ever visit Kurseong, light a candle for me.’’
The night rolls on. More road traffic accidents, drunken brawls, burns, dysenteries, more heart attacks-many deaths-and then its almost dawn.

I put my stuff back in my overnight bag-and wake Rongita up. She washes her face-and our replacements arrive. We hand over charges-exchange civilities-leave. As we exit the surgery block-they roll him in again-taking him out of an ambulance this time.

There are more differences –he’s not sitting up, not smiling, not flirting. And his mouth is covered in a white sheet, just like a movie. Kurseong – hills-grave-candle –the words whiz by.
Its someone else’s job now- someone else job to find out what happened- when he had another attack ,who found him ,who brought him etc etc. some one else’s job to check his pulse, his pupils, listen to his heart, check his pupils. Soon someone else will pronounce him dead. We –me and rongita – just stood there.

Then she takes a cigarette –I turn away. Look at the rising sun and then back to the burning sun in her mouth.

Feel cold, numb. Will he be buried in kurseong?-I ask Rongita sends some smoke spiraling into the red dawn –looks at me –and smiles- a sad smile. ‘’nope, I think he was lying about that.’’
I nod. I think so too.”
“Let’s go” she says- “the winds cold”
We button up our jackets, cover our ears –and disappear into the fog.

Partha

THOUGHT OF THE DAY

2005-04-15T11:56:00.000-07:00

Hannah, can you hear me? Wherever you are, look up! Look up, Hannah! The clouds are lifting! The sun is breaking through! We are coming out of the darkness into the light! We are coming into a new world; a kindlier world, where men will rise above their greed, their hate and their brutality. Look up, Hannah! The soul of man has been given wings and at last he is beginning to fly. He is flying into the rainbow! Into the light of hope! Look up, Hannah! Listen!

---LAST WORDS IN THE MOVIE "THE GREAT DICTATOR"

RAVINGS,RANTINGS,OPINIONS, AND VIEWS

2005-04-15T11:43:00.000-07:00

RANDOM THOUGHTS

1. the geeks shall inherit the earth

2.hmmm is acutally the human equivalent of the windows prompt-''updating ragistry information.this may take several minutes depending on the speed of your computer"we use it when we are spooling data.

3.this morning i read an article on charles's marriage- thus 316734 brain cells that could have been used to find a formula for world peace were lost for ever.

4.i think god shipped us humans too early.(marketting deadline?) . at best this is a beta version. come on god -when are we gonna get the full featured version.and where r the patches- evne microsoft fishes them out faster!!

5.here are the four most common things that people do behind shut doors

a.have sex

b.change clothes

c.commit suicide

d.fix the damn door

6-one borrowed thought from douglas coupland-- in futures clocks wont say its three 0 clock -they wil lget right to the point and say-PEPSI.

MY DIARY

2005-04-14T09:56:00.000-07:00

7th may
today was a good study day-which means i didnt waste much time playing EA sports computer games,watching reruns of friends,calling up non existant friends and hundred other things that i do on most other days.so made good progress on studies-which tempted me to go deep into the night and even onto the next morning.thankfully!!

it had started raining since midnight -the temperature wall falling , the wind was caressing my body rather than whipping it.by the time it was time for sunrise- the rain had almost stopped - but still was falling like a drunken guest who deos not want to leave. i decided to go to the terrace.the eastern sky was turning orange - yet there was heavy cloud cover all over.it was dawn -it not the bright hues u associate with a tropical summer.the su nwas as if hesitant whether it should bother to get up on such a wet,rainy morning. now peeping it head out of the billowy clouds, now covering itself up completely and trying to sleep again-it was an out of world experience-i almost stopped breathing- the mirinda coloured sky- the clouds with its myriad impossible shapes, the shy drizzle and and the wind showering loving kisses -truly i searched my brain for an appropriate word to describe my feelings-only one came to mind- one which iam usually loathe to use- heaven.
there was no apparent reason why i had started writing this diary- and none either of stopping it. but today i have a purpose- i dont trust my memory to remember the smells,the sights,the moment -so i needed a backup- however inferior in quality.

well lots have happened since i wrote last- for one, the girl i talked about has completely stopped trying ot seat in the front row- he now comes late- goes to the last row- and listens to the lectures disinterestedly- often taking out the business suppliment of the TIMES OF INDIA and checking out the stock quotes (of all things!!) .
for another- my uncle has completely recovered- looks like it was a false alarm about the biopsy report.
tomorrow i have an exam -its one of those entrances where the examiner gets instructions of -make asses out of the whole country except 30(these 30 selected will be good enough to make asses of the wohle country in their turn).30 seats - 50000 examinees. just about better than online lotteries.well its only about 7 hours away now- and i have to sleep through half of thme- nothing is more embarrassing then falling asleep at an exam .
so the philosophies will have to wait.tomorrow may be.

15th april

today is the bengali new year . i wish everybody a wonderful new year.it is also a day for moving on -leaving behind the failures ,trial ,tribulations and injustice of the old year.in the way of celebrations we cooked hearty meals - i tried out a new paneer(cottage cheese) recipe- shahi paneer indori-- will post the recipe in a separate section.tomorrow is saturday-which means its time for the two day a week course which i have enrolled in as part of my post grad entrance exam prparations.

its a helpful course- but with a 8-12 hr schedule very very tiring in this sultry weather. it is rather tragically funny seeing heads nod ,doze off and even hit the table or desk as the day wears on and the heat becomes all thew more oppressive.iam usually one of the first to doze off- but thnakfully by about noon -iam alert once again-so that- i can enjoy my luch and-and concentrate post lunch.i often try to keep a head count -which is the number of students dozing at any given time- and it is always a rather significant(and unhealthy?) 5-10 %..and i evne manage to catch snatches of dreams in those bits of sleep! can you beat that! and invariably the dreams are far removed from the claustrophobic classroom.one girl(or should i say lady doctor) in particulari notice. she reaches early - sits in the front row and during the first half is up in arma asking questions, demanding explanations,voicing doubts and generally being the heart and soul of the party. by midday ,however her energy meter diminishes,and towards the evening my peripheral vision catches her slinking away from her seat towards the empty back row-and there -executing an endless series of yawns-finally she gives up the ghost and goes to sleep with her head on the desk.even when we break for an evening tea- she does nto wake up.and when the class finally dismantles at night- she is no where to be seen.
i have since come to know she comes straight from an hectic on call on friday- and cant keep awake- even though she is reputed to be one of the mosty resilient students of the class.
i should actually feel ashamed of that i guess-i can afford the luxury of not doing those killing on calls and just sit at home all day and mug in the air conditioned seclusion of my room-and then make fun of people less financially secure.and yet there are 100,000 examinees and just 3000 seats so there is no place for sympathy and fellow feeling i guess!!! its only terribly funny that after such a cut throat entrance- our society expects us to be henry dunants!!

14th april

if i were to list all the woes and bad news that have befallen my family over this last year- this diary will remind you of "the bad news bible".so i dont - as i said in one of my previous posts- i have seen enough suffering to know better than to complain. but this current bit of impending tragedy comes on the eve of the bengali new year-when i was acutally hoping we would be able to leave behind the sadness with the dying year.but it has probably taken a last vicitm. doctors suspect my uncle who underwent a gall bladder operation today might have an underlying malignancy- wel lthe jury is stil lout actually -biopsy report comes in on sunday- but given this years form- i dare not hope.

its funny how things change when you change sides on the table. being a doc (though just for 2 years) -god knows i have seen enough people being proclaimed to be malignant during my surgery rotation.i remember'' the patient party meeting room'' quite well- situated on the ground floor -almost squeezed in as an afterthought between two wards -there were only 3 chairs for the doctors -the family had to stand.our professor was not heartless(in fact going by the usual standards he was quite an angel)-and by the way he hesitated in pronouncing the words the family usually came to know how many days the unfortunate victim has to live.the way their faces changed-but god we got used to it- and otwards the end of the rotation began to think '' hey its sad but dont just stand here crying -there are 25 other families we have to meet- and if we dont get that over by one pm- we might have to skip the lunch" and at this point while wives,sons,brothers,friends, stood numb shocked and angry- we visualized the tasty noodles and chilly chicken of the hospital canteen.

wat that does make us now? i have often wondered- when we are woken up at four am on a winter night to perform the last rites on a gasping child- and we perform all the manuevres- the cardiac massage, the last ditch injections,the volume expanders, the oxygen,the respiration in all sincerity and mustering all our skills-and then when we see the child die(as we well knew it would) and ask the nurse to wake me up in two hours to complete the formalities and inform the family-and when we do actually fall asleep quite readily -what does it make us then/ monsters? heartless money hungry monster?

or just someone who was tired with his 24 hrs of fighting death- who did his job well-and sincerely -and left it jsut at that? still in the second situation may be you can fault the guy for treating it so mechanically- not thinking it more humanely. but iam not so sure i wont go crazy that way.for god i cant still forget the 80% burn patient in our ward -i just cant remember whether it was a girl or a boy- for that was unrecognisable- and i just remember that vocie- that screeching voice shouting water water water pour osme water on me pour some water on me- and the whole ward was flooded with the umpteen buckets of water that the ward boys were pouring on him- but there was no respite-just that srceech-water water water water water water- and that smell- oh that smell of buring flesh!!

iam much better off being mechanical!! i want to sleep for god's sake

13th of april 2005

last night i had a strange thought.it was getting on to four am-and i was nodding on my books for so long that i finally decided to give and go to sleep.getting up to drink water my eyes fell on the vapour coloured road running four stories below our apartment.it was completely deserted- even the usually early rising dogs seemed to be on holiday.and i thought- there lies the key on the table-what if i pick it up-wear my jeans and tiptoe to the front door of the apartment-open it with all the cautious ness of a thief- step on to the dark corridor outside-get on the elevator(newly repaired so it does not make any tell tale grunts nowaday) get down -open the main gate of the building(i have the key to that also) and simply step out into the night- and walk away along that orange road.walk away into oblivion -not knowing whether iam walking towards something -or simply walking away from sometihng.no one knows- where i go- to the known world- to my family ,friends and aquaintances -i just cease to exist.it was just a passing thought--soon enough my well bred and experienced ego took over and told me- it was just the kind of thought you get if you stay awake till four am in the night.and i fell asleep.the day into which i awoke was the same as ever(stephen king says- its same shit different day- but i like such days-so iam not complaining-at least not yet).you get up, you wash and generally make yourself presentable to the world,if you have a job you go out and do it- if your dont- you sit at home and lambast everybody elsein the world- if your job is that of a proffesional student(term coined by my ingenious bro_i'll post al ist of interesting tihngs said by him-but soem other time) like me- you start mugging mugging mugging and whenever you get bored you lambast the assholes who take such inhuman exams.thne you eat- you sleep -you watch tv,you have sex or masterbate or simple yearn to do one of the above according to the conditions. if you consider yourself one of the cerebral types you read a highbrow book,listen to difficult songs and if you are the physical type you go to the gym(i wonder if there's enoughtime to be both physical and cerebral).thats it basically with minor customizations.but iam not complaining-iam still not complaining- heck iam so happy with it iam even maintaining a diary about it.and know why/ i know people- hundreds, thousands.millions- who crave for such an ordinary life-who crave so much for it that they die.everything they have time for is maybe lie like a vegetable on the ventilator-or just hope -just hope that at least today they get something to eat-(if not them at least their children).so- considering all that-iam just dandybut for those disturbing late night(or technically early morning thoughts).but thats not a problem- my ego knows all about them evil thoughts-and how to put me to sleep-content.

12th of april 2005

typical hot sultry indian summer day.actually quite a sad one for a sport lover such as me-india lost to pakistan in the fourth one day international inspite of putting up a mamoth 315.and may be even more tragically for a bengali- skipper saurav ganguli was handed a 6 match ban for slow over rate. i think it is a sort of poetic justice.his form has been apalling for the last many months- and in face of almost universal indignation of his carrying on inspite of his failures- he was under great pressure today. he failed again today-and his team failed- and with this punishment now we might have seen an unceremonial end to his character(particularly if india win in his absence).it is always tragic to witness the fall of so titanic an achiever,so huge an icon,so legenday a hero- for sure their falls are the worst- and most damaging-as they descend from such dizzying heights of success and achievement.well i do not know whether it is already tiem to write his professional epitaph-but reflecting on his illustrious character - i have to say - what he has done for indian cricket- not just in terms of series wins and centuries- but in terms of building up character- in terms of making us all believe we can-it terms of feeling proud of our team. and his act of pulling off his shirt of the lords balcony- will remain for me one of the most significant sporting moments in india's history.let us on this day not dwell too much on his shortcomings -for god knows they have been counted often enough(and may be too often)-let us not denounce his current lack of form as lack of quality -let us not insult his aggresiveness and fighting spirit by calling it arrogance-let us instead hope- that he comes back to surprise us all-for he -true to his name-has been a king- and deserves a royal farewell-not this lowly shove.humor me otday if i get too emotional.let his great freind dravid have the last say-''on the off side first there's god,then there's saurav"'come back bengal's favourite sporting deity-and rule once again!!
click for a saurav pic.--
http://www.santabanta.com/wallpapers/rating.asp?catid=502016

LAUGH YOUR A** OFF -JOKES!!!

2005-04-14T09:42:00.000-07:00

SARDAR'S ENCYCLOPEDIA!!

-THIS IS JUST THE FIRST INSTALLMENT--THE GREAT SARD JOKES WILL CONTINUE.for the uninitiated sardars are the inhabitants of the state of punjub in india and they are in the wolrd of jokes the indian equivalent of dumb blondes!! infact they might be more famous than blondes. another (technically wrong) synonym for sardar is punjabi- suffice is to say according to guiness book of world records the world's shortest joke is -- punjabi!!!!!

and the next shortest--two punjabis!!!!!!

and the next shortest-- two punjabis playing chess!!!!!!!

enjoy the encyclopedia-and know that by and large sardars are one of the most bighearted intelligent and successful people of india- so this is just for fun!!

Sardarji is buying a TV. "Do you have color TVs?" > "Sure." > "Give me a green one, please."

Sardarji calls Air India. "How long does it take to > fly to Amritsar?" > Just a sec," says the rep. > Thank you." says the Sardarji and hangs up.

EMPLOYMENT.. > Our sardarji was filling up an application form for> a job.. He > promptly > filled the columns titled > NAME,AGE,ADDRESS etc. > Then he came to the column "Salary Expected" : He> was > not sure as to > what > to be filled there. > After much thought he wrote : Yes

CROCODILE BOOTS.. > Sardarji proposes to a woman. She says yes if you > bring me a pair of > crocodile boots. He sets off to Africa and > disappears. Finally a > search > is being made, they find him hunting crocodiles and > watch him killing a huge one .. He walks over the> reptile, checks its legs > and angrily exclaims > "71st and *again* barefeet!"

A sardar goes into a store and sees a shiny object. > He asks the clerk, "What is that shiny object?" > The clerk replies, "That is a thermos flask." > The sardar then asks, "What does it do?" The clerk > responds, "It > keeps > hot > things hot and it keeps cold things cold." > The sardar says, "I'll take it!" > The next day, he walks into work with his new> thermos. > His sardar boss sees him and asks, > "What is that shiny object with you?" > He said, "It's a thermos flask." > The boss then says, > "What does it do?" He replies, "It keeps hot things > hot and cold > things > cold." > The boss said, "Wow, what do you have in it?" > The sardar replies, "Two cups of coffee and a coke."

A Sardar took an answering machine home and fixed it> > home somewhere > in > Bihar, but two days later disconnected it because > he was getting > complaints like > "Saala phone utha ke bolta hai ghar pe nahin hai" >

What will a Sardarji do after taking photocopies ? > He will compare it with the original for spelling> mistakes !!

What will a sardarji do if he wants an additional > white sheet of > paper ? > (he already has one and he wants one more..) > He takes a photcopy of the white paper !!!

Once there was a meeting of all the Surd freedom> fighters. They were > planning for free Punjab. > Santa Singh raised a point, "Oh..we'll get Punjab > from India but how > would > we develop it?" > That was a difficult question indeed. Suddenly Banta> > Singh replied, > "No > problem! we'll > attack USA, it would take over us and then we would > be a state of USA > and > we'll automatically > get developed." All the surds became happy on this > very simple > solution > but an old surd did > not utter a single word. Someone asked him why he > wasn't happy. The > surd > replied, "OH! THAT'S ALRIGHT BUT...WHAT WOULD HAPPEN IF WE BY CHANCE TAKE OVER USA?

QUANTAS AIRLINES

After every flight, Qantas pilots fill out a form, called a "gripe sheet,"
>which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics
>correct the problems; document their repairs on the form, and then pilots
>review the gripe sheets before the next flight. Never let it be said that
>ground crews lack a sense of humour...
>
>Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by Qantas pilots
>(marked with a P) and the solutions recorded (marked with an S) by
>maintenance engineers.
>
>By the way, Qantas is the only major airline that has never had an accident.
>.
>
>P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
>S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.
>
>P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
>S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.
>
>P: Something loose in cockpit.
>S: Something tightened in cockpit.
>
>P: Dead bugs on windshield.
>S: Live bugs on back-order.
>
>P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
>S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.
>
>P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
>S: Evidence removed.
>
>P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
>S: DME volume set to more believable level.
>
>P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
>S: That's what they're for.
>
>P: IFF inoperative.
>S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.
>
>P: Suspected crack in windshield.
>S: Suspect you're right.
>
>P: Number 3 engine missing.
>S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.
>
>P: Aircraft handles funny.
> S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.
>
>P: Target radar hums.
>S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.
>
>P: Mouse in cockpit.
>S: Cat installed.
>
>
>And the best one for last...
>
>P. Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
>S: Took hammer away from midget

A MILLION DOLLAR FAMILY

A Youngest Son: "Tell me Daddy, what is the difference between "Potential"and "Reality" ?"Dad: "I will show you"Dad turns to his wife and asks her:"Would you sleep with Robert Redford for 1 million dollars"? Wife: "Yes of course! I would never waste such an opportunity"!Then Dad asks his daughter,if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for 1 million dollars?Daughter:" Wow! Yes! he is my fantasy!" So Dad turns to his elder son and asks him:"Would you sleep with Tom Cruise for 1 million dollars"?Elder Son: "Yeah! Why not?Imagine what I could do with 1 million Dollars!I would never hesitate!"So the father turns back to his younger son saying: " You see son,"Potentially" we are sitting on 3 million dollars, but in "Reality" we areliving with 2 prostitutes and 1 gay.

ENTER THE RED AND GOLD

2005-04-14T09:23:00.000-07:00

ENTER THE RED AND GOLD- EASTBENGAL FOOTBALL CLUB SECTION

EAST BENGAL HAVE DEMOLISHED CHURCHILL BROTHERS 2-0 TO REGAIN THEIR RIGHTFUL PLACE AT THE TOP OF THE NFL.BOTH GOALS WERE SCORED BY ACE MIDFIELDER ALVITO DCUNHA.NEXT MATCH IS AGAINST ARCH RIVALS AND PRESENT STRUGGLERS MOHUNBAGAN FC.

MY POEMS

2005-04-13T03:34:00.000-07:00

AN ATHEIST'S PRAYER

I have no god for prayers
no angel for favours

there r only dreams when things get better

there is only darkness when i'm not ashamed
to extend my arms
no- not to beg-but to give
yes,take away,take away

take away my birthmarks
purulent remnants of my vile heritage
take away my face
diasfigured with the glory of my forefathers
take away my name, my titles
grisly tattoos of centuries of prejudice

take away my house, my family, my hometown , my country
i have been confined in chains too long
take away my walls my wallets, my closets
corrupt sentries guarding ilgotten fortune

take away the suits, the tails, the shoes,
the lying mirrors
virulent cospirators heap9ing false masks on me
take away my profounsd opinions,my holier than thou ideas
slimey,pukey, graveyard views that make me throw up

take away my eyes ears nose,
my nerve endings,my bloodgroups
take away my genitals , my vagina ,my penis
my genotype, my identity
silent lying coward witnesses of naked perjury

take take -take it all
and bury it in interpllanetary duming grounds

take it all and free me
finally at peace in my private amnion
floating in my urine, my blood
let me finally break the barriers
tear the membranes
and come wailing shreiking naked in to the day
let me finally celebrate my birth

DOUBTS

Being as lonely as an astronaut on Mir space station
When he has fought with his partner—
I often went to the edge of our seventh floor terrace
Wanting to take that final step from concrete to gravity?
What has stopped me so far?
Courage to face life?
Or fear of death? of non existence?
I have my doubts

Are some words more poetic than others?
Do words like fuck,cunt and ‘give it to me harder’
Deteriorate a poem more than blue sofasets,obstreperousness and electromagnetic eggs?
I have my doubts

Van gogh’s paintings didn’t have margins
Trees merged into people
Sunflowers became windows
Does toni Morrison’s similar attempt in his novels make it an imitation
Or is it to be called an inspiration in reverence to the noble prize?
I have my doubts.

When they ask for proof of identity
I present my passport so confidently-so righteously
And they allow me into everything-everywhere-satisfied.
Were I, being by nature forgetful, ever to lose that document
Be ever able to prove me being myself
Be ever accepted anywhere?
I have my doubts.

Having fallen in love with you
Over the telephone
Having kissed your silences
And fanaticized with your breathes
Will I really be able to immigrate to your heart
I have my doubts.

Purring like a cat you tell me
That you had bought a gold plated bookmark for me
With a trapped butterfly inside-even before you ever came onto me
And I have no doubts.
Like the only thing in this world not needing proof
Like religion, like madness, like oxygen.

ANNOUNCEMENTS

2005-04-12T12:53:00.000-07:00

COMING UP ON FRIDAY-THE 15TH OF APRIL-THE BENGALI NEW YEAR

BEST WISHES TO ALL VISITORS

FREE POILA BOISHAKH CARDS AVAILABLE HERE-

http://banglalive.com/ecards/

HEY ITS NIDHI'S BIRTHDAY--HAPPY BIRTHDAY NIDHI!!
CONGRATULATIONS TO SANCHAITA DI FOR PASSING PLAB 1
CONGRATULATIONS TO PARIK FOR PASSING PLAB 1

HEALTH

2005-04-12T11:43:00.000-07:00

HEALTH TIP FOR THE DAY

Well if you are over weight and on the wrong side of thirty -watch out because obesity is the single most important risk factor for developing type two diabetes.(which is maturity onset diabetes-the much commoner form).The risks increase if any of your parents or siblings or children have got diabetes already .Most alarming is central obesity -which means fat around the abdomen and waist. You cannot be too careful about it.

Remember- the symptoms of this type of diabetes are not very clearcut.You might not suffer from the classical symptoms of increased thirst,increased appetite and frequent micturation.The disease often presents clinically with damage to either kind,eye ,heart of the peripheral nerves-damage which might be irreversible.

so be alert- watch your weight -and consult your doctor if you are suspicious.

top 20 films of bollywood

2005-04-11T22:38:00.000-07:00

I have often wondered about a list of the top 20 films of bollywood- well it is a difficult task to say the least- being 26 yrs old a bias towards more recent films is obvious.

Also one has to take into consideration that the mainstream and art films are such a diverse culture here that it is almost impossible to combine them- still taking into account popularity ,effect,influence and what ever quality i was able to judge -here is my favourite list--everybody please comment and /or provide your own versions.

in making this list i have not considered movies made in languages other than hindi- nor havei considered so called cross over movies such as monsoon wedding because they essentially belong to a different class. i have also not considered dubbed movies like roja ,nayakan and bombay.

1.sholay http://imdb.com/title/tt0073707/combined
2.mughal e azam
3.anand
4.deewar
5.teesri kasam
6.black
7.do bigha jameen
8.awara
9.company
10.devdas(bimol roy)
11.sree 420
12.mother india
13.lagaan
14.kagaz ke phool
15.ardh satya
16.masoom(shekhar kapoor)
17.izajaat
18.salam bombay
19.page 3
20.main azaad hoon

these movies i think closely missed out- border,pakeezah,mera naam joker,sarfarosh,darr,guide,koi mil gaya,janzeer,silsila,kabhi haan kabhi na,droh kaal,

and these movies i think were overhyped and over rated and never good enough to make top 20-ddlj,mohabbatein,k3g,hum aapke hain kaun,maine pyar kiya.

2005-04-11T14:34:00.000-07:00

the real hotel california

one small step for a man-absolutely nothing for mankind

2005-04-11T14:18:00.000-07:00

well wandering lunatic has been one of my favourite phrases ever since i came across it in my forensic medicine text book.iam glad i am using it here for my blog.

to begin -iam 26 years old , from west bengal india(downtown calcutta to be precise) and cooling my heels and preparing for post graduate entrance exams after passing my mbbs in 2004.
uptil now i hadn't quite grasped the significance of blogs-i merely looked upon them as separate articles or posts- i did not know there synthesizing potential akin to a website- but now that i do- iam bent on making full use off it.

there will be a barrage of posts on all and sundry matters- and comments will be superwelcome(infact clammoured for)-hope people dont get sick of me. will try and post pics too-have just downloaded ''hello'' but yet to get the hang of it.

bas thats enough of an intro -stay tuned for soem serious madness